


Blue

by Nobody (TheNobody)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesia, Author Is Sleep Deprived, God Complex, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Memory Loss, Odin's A+ Parenting, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Loki (Marvel), Psychological Torture, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags Are Hard, Torture, but is it really a god complex if he's considered a god, i think, oblivious loki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-09 07:51:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12883386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNobody/pseuds/Nobody
Summary: This would've been the classic Loki-was-under-Thanos'-mind-control if it weren't for the amnesia. Wait, is amnesiac-Loki-who-was-under-Thanos'-mind-control a thing?"He would wake up to the sight of strangely-dressed Midgardians pointing objects - weapons, his mind supplied - at him. There was also a large, green humanoid beast that for some reason made him want to inch away. But he was lying on the ground. And he couldn't move. So he didn't inch away."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo there.
> 
> This is my first time writing something in Marvel.
> 
> No, Loki doesn't start out amnesiac and he doesn't get healed in Stark Tower with the help of the Avengers. Or Thor.
> 
> I'm Nobody and I have nothing (else) to say.

 

 

He didn’t know this would happen when he let go of his brother’s hand.

He thought it’d be the end. That he’d die. His life was useless anyways, everything he had known was a lie.

****

Odin had never displayed much affection towards him. He now knew that the little affection was just a trick of his mind. Of a mind that desperately wanted love and recognition from his fa- No. Odin wasn’t his father. He had no father.

****

Frigga was too weak to help him. She didn't want to go against the _All-Father._ Sure, she supported him when he had been learning magic

****

And now he was here. In His realm. He thinks that He wants to weaken him to be able to get past his mental defenses and have him under his control. He wasn’t sure: nowadays, he was never in a state where he could fully understand what was happening.

****

Day after day, one or a few Chitauri guards would come into his cell and hit him, kick him, hang him on the - admittedly low - ceiling by putting hooks in his shoulders. His whole body hurt. No, hurt would be a understatement. He was in piercing, blinding, searing, staggering, overwhelming pain. He still hasn’t understood why he doesn’t faint from the pain.

****

But the worse days would be when he was dragged out of his cell. That meant that he’d go to the throne room. The throne room meant Him. And that meant that the next few days were going to be extremely painful. Thanos would never stop the torture.

****

He had just been thrown back into his cell, barely conscious, barely alive after an encounter with Him.

****

_________________________________________________________________________

****

The Chitauri took him back to the throne room a week later.

He gave up.

Everything faded away to black.

The black was nothingness.

Nothingness was better than pain.

He wondered if death felt like the black.

****

Then it was all blue.

The blue was the center of the universe.

He was blue too. Not the same kind of blue though.

****

He wasn’t sure what happened afterwards. It was all so _blurry_.

He vaguely remembered shouting, and _all the_ _blue blue blue blue and a cube that made him want to run away but attracted him at the same time but he couldn't and blue blue blue and why couldn't he feel anything why was Thor here where was he why was he on Midgard blue blue blue i'm so sorry whats going on_

****

He would wake up to the sight of strangely-dressed Midgardians pointing objects - _weapons,_ his mind supplied - at him. There was also a large, green humanoid beast that for some reason made him want to inch away. But he was lying on the ground. And he couldn't move. So he didn't inch away.

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Odin sent him to the dungeons.

Apparently he tried to conquer Midgard but  ** _that wasn't him he never wanted this he didn't start a war on Midgard they were such insignificant beings why would he do that_**

 

He wanted to tell them he had no clue of what was going on. But he know that they hate him. Telling them the truth would do nothing. There wasn't any use in staying either.

So he fled Asgard. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please help me give this a title. The current one probably sucks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wished he could tell Thor the truth, that he hadn’t been in control when whatever he did happened, that it was the blue, the never ending blue that was still trying to dominate his mind despite being so far from the source of the blue, i.e. Thanos but Thor would just go blabbing off to Odin, who’d laugh it off and convince Thor that this was another of Loki’s ploys and tricks, and it’d all be for nothing.

His plan for fleeing Asgard was disturbingly simple, despite the conditions he had to follow.

 

First of all, he didn’t want for his escape to get discovered too quickly. Sure, he _could_ put an illusion, but illusions, as convenient as they were, wouldn’t stand a chance at fooling Odin, Heimdall, or Frigga.

 

Then, there was the escaping in itself. If he were Thor, he’d have fought his way out and attracted attention like a fool. On second thought, Thor wouldn’t even try to fight his way out of Asgard: he’d agree to anything Odin demanded of him. And that’d be assuming that Odin would ever want to imprison his precious, _worthy_ son.

 

Loki would therefore have to impersonate one of the many soldiers guarding his prison. _(He remembered his so-called family calling a locked room for him to think about his actions and blablabla he didn't remember what they said afterwards, he had been distracted with a painting he remembered hating shortly before he fell - it depicted the victory of Asgard over_ _Jötunheimr and the painting had filled him up with bitterness, because why did they call the Jötnar monsters if their own prince was one of those beasts? - and even if he hadn’t been muzzled during the “trial”,_ more like an excuse to humiliate him while he was chained like a disobedient dog, _he wouldn’t have spun one of his lies due to the disorientation he still suffered, and the blue that kept trying to overtake him again.)_

 

Before he could perfectly develop his plan of impersonating a guard that he’d later disguise to appear like Loki, Thor entered the room his cage was in and asked, for the 14th time,

 

“Why did you do it, brother?”

 

The interrogated glared at him.

 

“Not your brother, will that simple truth enter your thick mind?”

 

Loki wished he could tell Thor the truth, that he hadn’t been in control when whatever he did happened, that it was the _blue, the never ending blue that was still trying to dominate his mind despite being so far from the source of the blue, i.e. Thanos -_ but Thor would just go blabbing off to Odin, who’d laugh it off and convince Thor that this was another of Loki’s ploys and tricks, and it’d all be for nothing.

 

No, he couldn’t tell Thor. He crushed that small part of him that was still innocent, sad, and that kept believing in love and friendship and brotherhood and _will you just shut up I'm trying to think_.

 

He distracted Thor with some mindless conversation until Thor finally understood that Loki wouldn’t be saying anything and left.

 

He went back to thinking about his plan.

 

He had it all planned out five minutes later.

They wouldn’t even noticed he was gone until it was too late.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki flees (and gets captured) in the next chapter. I think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki gets out of Asgard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Who knew that you could put yourself as a co-creator?  
> ...Well, not me.
> 
> 2\. Alright, screw my plans.  
> I only have a vague idea about where this is going.  
> Sue me.
> 
> ...Have fun explaining to your lawyer that you're suing Nobody.

He used magic to hide himself from Heimdall’s view before he snuck out of his cell and started searching a guard. The magical protections were laughingly easily broken (and put back up, obviously, couldn't let them know he had broken them in the first place) by a master like him. Could’ve been the fact that they didn’t know Loki had mastered - _or even knew -_ protective magic and runes. They only ever saw the spells he cast. _Shame on them._ Well, as long as it benefits him now. Or _in the long run_ , as Midgardians say. No, he shouldn’t think like that. Midgardian vocabulary was unworthy of remaining in his memory.

 

Loki halted, as he was momentarily disturbed by that thought. That wasn’t like him. When did he start thinking like that? Perhaps when the blue brought him to Midgard?

 

But then, he felt a rush of certainty - Midgardians were far inferior than him. They were _nothing._ They were pathetic creatures, they were sheep _\- enough with the Midgardian analogies -_ they were born to be ruled and have a king, a supreme god reigning over them _\- But Asgardians too - No, they don’t count -_ Wait, why was blue clouding his vision now _no get out you disgusting -_

 

“Prisoner! What are you doing? Return to your cell!”

 

And that’s when he realized he had stopped walking and was staring into space.

Good job, god of trickery and mischief. Aren’t you supposed to be a master at subtlety?

 

Loki mindlessly stunned the guard that had spotted him and he intruded into the guard’s mind. ( _Mind magic is illegal,_ Frigga once said. He didn’t care, he had just wanted to know _more_. About every type of magic, about )

 

He saw in the guard’s mind that he had a habit for escaping duties and not showing up at shifts. For a lover, perhaps? No, for drinking. Ahh, perfect. Nobody would notice if the guard simply… disappeared, for a while.

 

He glamoured the man into his shape and placed him in his cell.

 

One of the main magical differences between glamours and illusions was quite simple. Glamours are illusions are both considered to be a subcategory of the term **illusions** , which confused quite a lot of people. Illusions (the sub-category) were usually created out of nothing; however, glamours warped the shape of something, whether it be merely visual or tactile as well. And that’s why he needed to use the guard to place a glamour on him. Glamours were less easily detected than illusions.

However, some of the best - as well as some of the easiest - **illusions** used other forms of magic. Runes, for example.

 

Such a pity that he couldn’t afford carving out those runes. He enjoyed, as well as any other Asgardian _despite what they claim_ , the sight of blood, or simply spilling blood.

 

 _“Asgardians are a bloodthirsty people”_ , had claimed a book he once found in the library. He wondered why the book wasn’t banned. Perhaps the All-Father never discovered it?

 

He spelled the guard to sleep until he stopped controlling the spell. Not before wiping his mind, as a safety precaution, of course.

 

Loki was a master at controlling spells.

In fact, now that Loki thought of it, he was a master at many things.

 

He cast a glamour upon himself and donned the guard’s form before sneaking out of the dungeons. He quickly - not too quick, he mustn't arouse suspicion - walked through the castle before he got to the gates. He saluted the soldiers guarding the door as he passed, therefore preventing anyone from searching for the guard he stunned within the castle.

 

Once out of the castle gates, he grabbed onto the faint wisps of the Yggdrasil, the World Tree, and left Asgard.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've also got an idea for the next chapter.
> 
> The idea has to do with a specific colour.
> 
> Yes, COLOUR, with a U, AO3. Don't you dare put those red squiggly lines under the words colour, favour, neighbour, valour, - argh, they added red squiggly lines (what are those even called, really) under each friggin word. Including the word friggin. How am I supposed to spell it, frigging? 
> 
> The absence of red underline to that word looks like a "yes" to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the slower-than-usual update. Even though it (only) took 3 days.
> 
> Your comments warm my numb, glacial, frozen heart to the point where I fear that it might melt. Just joking. They just made me very happy for a good while. Even made me smile! Wow, that rhymed. Wonder what else can rhyme...  
> *I wrote something at the bottom of this chapter. Not sure if it can be called a poem.
> 
> Also - Apologies if I don't respond, or if my response seems hurried/cut/distanced. I just can't manage to (easily) write anything to talk to other people. Same thing goes in real life, especially if it deals with something about emotions.
> 
> In the previous chapter: Loki incapacitated a guard and left Asgard.  
> Jeez, Bod, stop with the rhymes. (Bod is short for Nobody. Any other nickname suggestions out of Nobody?)
> 
> Alright, on to the story!

He stepped out of Asgard. He could taste the difference in magic. The oppressing protections put by the All-Father, as well as the previous rulers, were gone, and it was a relief. He felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, that a heavy cover that restrained his breathing had been taken off.

 

Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, the _blue_ instantaneously strengthened its hold on him. He panicked and his magic went haywire, trying to keep it out, trying to keep it off of him. There was an overwhelming pressure that threatened to become pain. He fought it, and it retaliated, trying to shove itself deeper into his core - _had it been there the whole time? Had the protections been the only things that kept it out?_ \- His entire body fought it, he raised every magical defense he knew - especially mental ones, because the _blue_ was trying to get into his mind, control him - he should’ve known He still had a hold on him, he knew he should’ve protected himself before leaving the asgardian protections -

 

It was too strong. It hurt. His knees buckled and he fell to his knees. _Get up, you’re stronger than that, get up run away_

Then, he heard a voice that he loathed whisper with the blue, proving that His control over him was almost strong enough to take away.

“Your resistance is futile.”

He shook his head.

“Did you really think you could flee from me?”

He ignored him.

“Your magic, your power may be surprisingly strong, for a young Jötunn, yet it’s useless against my might.”

He focused on pushing - no, he was barely keeping it out, he couldn’t manage to push it yet - the _blue_ out.

“Isn’t it interesting how you associated the colour blue to me? Only the Tesseract wields that shade. I am hardly blue, even though I’d qualify as the colour intermediate between blue and red. Aren’t those two your colours? Blue skin, red eyes?”

Thanos sent a spell at him. It touched him and attempted to remove _his skin, but that was his, only his, nobody else takes it away, no one must take it away_

 

Something snapped.

 

He pushed the blue back.

 

_He fought off Thanos - the Mad Titan._

 

And then it threatened to overcome him again, and he didn’t know what to do, so he desperately reached at the mother tree and grasped onto the thin threads that would take him back to Asgard.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He collapsed on the ground as soon as he was back in Asgard. He doesn’t know how much time he spent there, staring in front of him at nothing in particular. He vaguely noticed that he was shaking. He closed his eyes.

 

Loki absentmindedly wondered how he could surpass the protections on Asgard all the time, and yet He couldn’t. Maybe it was warded to withstand titans. He wasn’t even a giant, he was considered small by even Asgardian standards. But the Jötunns were most likely blocked out of Asgard too.

 

He heard a sound. A cry.

 

“The prisoner has escaped!”

 

Curse that guard. His sleeping/stunning spell must’ve failed when Loki had been assaulted by the so-called Dark Lord. Was “assault” the right word? It’s usually used for physical attacks, after all.

 

How did the soldier’s voice even carry over to here anyways? Loki was outside the castle walls.

 

He got up with difficulty - fighting off a mental attack by Thanos _was_ exhausting, after all - and entered the castle, run in the hallways, reached the dungeons as fast as he could.

 

He ran into the guard. What a nice coincidence.

 

He pinned the guard against the wall, fully aware that his legs were already almost shaking from holding _himself_ up, and dived into the man’s mind regardless of his struggles.

 

He erased any recent events in the guard’s mind that could potentially accuse Loki of doing anything illegal and planted a memory that would make the sentinel seem guilty of having drunk too much, and that’d be why it appeared like, for a moment, that Loki wasn’t in his cell. He then cast a few spells. One of them would, for example, scramble the thoughts of the guard and confuse him. Hopefully this (in Loki’s opinion) half-formed plan would help Loki seem innocent in this act. He’ll have to make sure to display a slight confusion in any conversations about this.

 

He hurried back to his prison and willingly entered it, putting the protections back up. He removed any obvious evidence about his little trip from his body and sat on the bed. He also set up a magical mental timer, just for fun, just to see how long it’d take for anybody to respond to the previous cry of the drunkard guard.

 

He lay back and tried to think up a plan that’d let him leave this wretched kingdom, these blasted people that he knew all too well.

 

The major hindrance in all scenarios were Thanos. Perhaps, if he could get rid of the blue, then His hold would lessen; so he checked to see if he could get it out, and was horrified to see that the blue was gripping tight to his mind. Any successful attempts to remove it would most likely harm himself, his recollection of events, his _amazing and wonderful_ mind, and he nearly panicked at that - but he was Loki, god of chaos, _he_ was the one supposed to cause panic, and nothing should trouble him. Well, except for an attack from Him.

 

And that’s when Thor, along with a few other guards, burst into the room, only a few weak spells separating them from him.

 

The timer he had set up stopped. It showed his mind the result: 407 seconds. Not too bad, Thor.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have been wondering about a few things:
> 
> 1\. Why can he hide from Heimdall and not Thanos? Because Thanos’ hold on him never stopped, it just weakened considerably. 
> 
> 2\. All the "Him"s, "He"s with a capital H that don't start a sentence are most likely referring to Thanos. JIC you hadn't figured it out.
> 
> 3\. Loki is a confusing and contradictory person. That's my excuse for making him say one thing in one chapter, and something else in another chapter. Does this sentence even make sense?
> 
> 4\. He set up a mental timer,  
> just for fun,  
> just to see how long it’d take for anybody to come,  
> to respond to the previous cry of the mead-lover,  
> the drunkard soldier.
> 
> That was either horrible or face palm worthy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He believed there’s a saying on Midgard that claimed that sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, but the highest form of intelligence. Loki had no reason to know that. And he despised having the knowledge of what Midgardians said. That thought was irrational - he’d always told himself that it was better to know than not know. “Wishing to remain oblivious was for the weak and cowardly”, he thought. “The more one knows, the more control - the more power one has.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a place in this story that was the perfect cliffhanger, but I've decided a few days ago that I wouldn't be a writer that writes ahead. I'll therefore always post every new chapter I write immediately upon finishing.
> 
> This chapter was hard. It's also long - it's more than 3x as long as the 1rst chapter of this story.
> 
> Do you prefer slower updates and longer chapters or quicker updates and shorter chapters?

“ **Brother!** ” thundered the god of thunder.

 

Loki forced himself to open his eyes - he did not feel like doing this - and lazily look at Thor. 

 

“Pray tell, Thor, why do you wake me at this… absolutely charming hour?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm. 

 

He believed there’s a saying on Midgard that claimed that sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, but the highest form of intelligence. Loki had no reason to know that.  _ And he despised having the knowledge of what Midgardians said.  _ That thought was irrational - he’d always told himself that it was better to know than not know. “ _ Wishing to remain oblivious was for the weak and cowardly _ ”, he thought.  _ “The more one knows, the more control - the more  _ **_power_ ** _ one has.” _

 

“A guard claimed that you’ve escaped.”

 

Loki put on a frown, noticeable enough for Thor to see it, yet light enough to seem involuntary.

 

“How would I escape? I’m clearly imprisoned, and we are well-aware that not following the  _ All-Father _ ’s commands would be a poor decision.”

 

“Yet we both know that never stopped you from committing your crimes.”

 

_ What crimes,  _ _ Broth _ _ \- Thor? I’m innocent. For once. _

 

The soldier revealed himself. He stank of mead, courtesy of one of the charms Loki had placed on him. Loki had somehow failed to notice him. That was unacceptable. Even if he needed to rest. He was tired. Extremely tired. A deep exhaustion was threatening to overwhelm him at any moment. He was suddenly glad he wasn’t standing. 

 

“And what exactly is a soldier doing, guarding the castle while drunk?”

 

And the guard started talking, and Thor’s voice started booming - Loki wondered, as he had countless times before, if that witless oaf had any knowledge on lowering one’s voice - and obviously he had to participate in the conversation.

 

It was tedious.

He was having trouble concentrating. Maybe he could ask Thor to come back later. He pushed that thought down. Can’t have Thor doubting that he had been doing something other than sleeping. Thor knew all too well that he could last days without sleep.

 

Loki realized that he had stopped listening to them. They hadn’t noticed. Good.

 

\--------------------------------

The rest of the conversation went as smoothly as one could imagine. The guard was relieved of his occupations, Thor was still somewhat suspicious but would probably forget about all of this. Loki was somewhat satisfied of how it went.

 

As soon as they left, he closed his eyes, laid back on the bed and surrendered to sweet oblivion.

 

\----------------------------------

  
  
  


The blue took advantage of his exhausted state to attack. He knew his mind was always more vulnerable while he was sleeping,  _ why hadn’t he protected himself before falling asleep, he might not win this battle against the blue, no please dont _

 

And then there was pain, so much blinding pain when his mind tried to resist, as his magic welled up, but it was too late, and the blue was overwhelming and overcoming him, and he wish he had resisted more -  _ stupid, stupid Loki -  _ and it was all gone, and all he could see is  _ blue blue blue neverending blue _

 

\----------------------------------

 

He woke up. The blue wasn’t there.

He desperately hoped it had just been a dream, but a slight probing at his mind proved that it hadn’t been.

His mindscape was drenched in that horrid taint. 

He screamed and the blue took over without him being able to fight back, because the blue was _ in him _ , and he couldn’t fight against himself without damaging himself  _ \- and he had hesitated too long before acting - _

 

\---------------------------------

 

The blue was simmering in the back of his mind as he talked to Thor again. It sometimes clouded his mind, making him almost pause in the middle of his sentences as he pushed it back. He wondered if tearing the blue out was worth the damage it’d cause to his brain - because yes, he knew he had the ability, the power to tear it out. It made him feel restrained, imprisoned, and even the Asgardian cell didn’t make him feel like this, because he knew he could effortlessly leave his prison at any moment without any repercussions. But as much as he wanted it gone, he wasn’t sure he wanted to damage his mind, maybe even worse than it could’ve been without his hypothetical interference, while ripping it out. But he didn’t want to be controlled. He didn’t want to become Thanos’ puppet. 

 

Wasn’t Loki the one who was supposed to rule? 

 

\---------------------------------

 

The Aether had been unleashed.

Loki felt it. The  _ blue _ felt it. Thanos felt it. Thanos wasn’t happy. An angry Thanos meant pain, whether it be physical, psychological or mental.

 

\---------------------------------

 

He was staring into thin air, trying to remember something beautifully joyful from his memories. He failed. 

 

He used to have a perfect memory. Now, there were too many holes, caused by his visit in Thanos’ lair, to remember everything, and it had sent him in an almost panicking state the first time he realized that he was missing things. Scratch that, he  _ did _ panic. His mind was his greatest possession and weapon, it was his identity; they could take away his daggers, his title, even his  _ voice  _ and his  _ skin,  _ his wonderful pale skin and his green eyes, but he’d still have his mind, the  _ only thing that he thought nobody would ever take away from him,  _ and now his memory was lacking.

 

He found a nice memory. It was shrouded with bitterness, but the memory was a happy one, as it was the memory of an illusion he had made a long, long time ago. He originally thought he wouldn’t remember it much.

He was wrong. It wasn’t too hard to remember.

 

\-----------------------------------

 

He was walking amidst a crowd that immediately parted at his arrival.

 

They were clapping. Cheering. 

 

Sif, Volstagg, Fandral, all of the mightiest warriors, the guards, the soldiers, the Asgardian men and women, they all acknowledged  _ him _ , bowed their heads at  _ him _ .

 

Then he was standing on a dais. He turned around to face the people. The cape he was wearing was red. Red wasn’t his colour. He preferred green. But that was fine, because the people were cheering.

 

For _him_. Not Thor. Not Odin. They _loved_ _him_.

 

He raised his arm and Mjolnir came flying. It landed in his outstretched hand. The crowd clapped even louder than they had been before, and the shouts doubled.  _ But Mjolnir wasn’t his. Although it could’ve been. No, never; Odin wouldn’t ever give it to Loki. _ He pushed away the frown that was about to surface and went back to the memory.

 

He had never felt this happy, this carefree; his heart was light, it threatened to burst out of his chest at any moment from the excitement. He wished the moment would last forever.

 

Someone called his name. Asked him what he was doing. He turned his head to look at his mind’s version of Frigga. 

_ Cast enough illusions and you risk forgetting what is real. _

 

But would that truly be a bad thing? Reality was but another way of reminding him of his failures, his captivity, his inability to do anything. His weary and tired, brilliant and yet enclaved and enslaved mind. He answered the woman in his mind, whispering:

 

_ Precisely. _

 

He knew he was thinking cowardly. But he felt so much more at ease here. He’d rather stay here, in his dreams, than go face reality, as _dreams_ were _so much sweeter_ _than reality_ \- and then his vision started to fill with blue, and he had to cut off his daydream, that brief illusion of his in order to push the blue out - well, as much as he could - again. He knew he’d probably never be able to push the blue out, only rip it out with everything the blue was clinging to, and hope that it died.

 

It thankfully didn’t take him too long to mostly clear his mind.

 

He opened his eyes, and he imagined the real Frigga was standing behind him, asking him something about the books she had sent him.  _ She doesn’t know I’ve already read them all,  _ he thought.

 

He turned around to face another one of his own illusions, pretending that it was really her. She talked, her words resembling that small voice in his head that he hated to hear. But it was Frigga’s voice, and as irrational as it was, he couldn’t bear to dispel the illusion until he was tired of having “company” that looked at him like that.

 

\-----------------------------------

 

And the next thing he knew, Frigga was dead. 

 

She gave up her life for a mere, pathetic human. A mortal. 

An immortal life for a mortal one.

 

He’d kill a thousand mortals, end a thousand breaths, crush a thousand throats before giving up  _ his mother’s _ life, and he had realized that when it was too late. He had cared too much and too little about her. Perhaps she wasn’t his biological mother, but she had been the one true parent of his. Even if she wasn’t enough to make him truly feel wanted. Odin didn’t count, didn’t even stand a chance at counting.

 

Frigga’s death had given him the energy to push the blue to the back of his mind.

 

His head felt clearer and lonelier than it had been in  _ ages _ . He felt like Loki again. It was a good feeling. Even if his mind kept drifting to end this miserable, worthless life.

 

Thor promised him that he’d get revenge. On the despicable creature that had ended his mother’s life. He’ll avenge his mother, and then he’ll let go. He’ll wrench the blue out before it could truly take over him. He won’t let his body be used against his interests. He had come to the realisation that his life wouldn’t be worth living as either a tool or a person with a damaged mind.

 

He just needed to stay a little longer. Endure a little longer. It won’t be too long.

 

_ Soon. _

 

\---------------------

 

He bantered with Thor, trying to get a rise out of him, and it reminded him of the times long ago, when they had been younger, when Loki had been less intelligent and more innocent.

 

Was innocence the price of intelligence? It certainly wasn’t the price of cleverness; Loki knew he was clever when he was younger. And still was, of course.

 

He cast a few glamours, the last being one of the companions that Thor liked so much, one of the Midgardians that he had seen when he woke up laying on the ground - and he imitated what he thought were Midgardian speech.

 

He believes he successfully annoyed Thor in the end.  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't catch on to what Loki's illusion was, there's this deleted scene in Thor: The Dark World that I find amazing. Go check it out. All you need to do is search up "Thor dark world deleted scene". Trust me, you won't regret it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was dying.
> 
> Loki was going to die for that Midgardian woman, and Thor simply ran away with her. Perhaps to avenge his death. That’d be a nice thing to imagine. Thor, fighting some evil being to avenger his brother’s death.
> 
> But at the end of the day, nobody would care if Loki died or not. He’d be forgotten. Nobody would drink in his honour; cry for him because Frigga, the only one who would’ve cried, was dead. Nobody would feel pain or anguish. Thor would forget him and go gallivanting with that mortal fling of his. He wouldn’t even collect his body.  
> Loki just wished that he was lying to himself and exaggerating the facts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I’m basing my sense of Midgardian to Asgardian time to 1 Asgardian year per 65 Midgardian years.  
> 2\. English isn’t my first language. Please be a grammar Nazi and point out whatever mistakes I make. I got a bit tangled up with the words Asgardian/Midgardian: Do they take capitals or not? I hope I correctly used them. (I capitalized all of them).  
> 3\. Also, I’m so sorry about the wait. Any person who read the last few chapters before now probably think I abandoned the story.
> 
> It's been a long 18 days for me.  
> Happy Holidays. If you don't celebrate any of the Christian Holidays, then happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or any holiday out there. If you're feeling lonely, go find someone to be with. If there's nobody to be with (hah! nobody! my name!) then there's this thing called the internet. Plenty of lonely people are on the internet. If you need help at finding places to talk to other lonely people on the internet just ask. I know a few ;)

As they - meaning Thor, his mortal mistress, and Loki - walk, the first two speak. The younger brother overhears the woman making an obviously dismissive comment about Thor not seeing her in over two years.

 _Two years_ isn’t long at all. Well, two Midgardian years aren’t long. That’s the duration of a fling, which Loki considers to be the appropriate designation for the couple’s relationship.

Does the woman not know that two Midgardian years corresponds to barely two Asgardian weeks?

 

\------------------------

 

He was dying.

 _Loki was going to die for that Midgardian woman, and Thor simply ran away with her._ Perhaps to avenge his death. That’d be a nice thing to imagine. Thor, fighting some evil being to avenger his brother’s death.

But at the end of the day, nobody would care if Loki died or not. He’d be forgotten. Nobody would drink in his honour; cry for him _because Frigga, the only one who would’ve cried, was dead_. Nobody would feel pain or anguish. Thor would forget him and go gallivanting with that mortal fling of his. He wouldn’t even collect his body.

Loki just wished that he was lying to himself and exaggerating the facts.

Thor wasn’t here. No living being was here to see him. He shielded himself from Heimdall’s gaze once more and took a deep breath before reaching into his own being. He quickly grasped his mind and gently tugged at the blue surrounding it. Outside of Asgard’s protections, it was much harder to protect himself from the blue that threatened to invade his mind. However, he had prepared himself and cast multiple protections. They didn’t do much, but it was enough.

The blue surrounded every part of his memories except for his magic, for which he was grateful, because that would mean that at least he’d die with his magic remaining in him, for Loki was going to rip the rest away.

Then he’ll kill himself. There was nothing more to live for. He had planned to kill himself once this was over, right? Better a quick death caused by himself than a slow death caused by the poison that had coated that Kurse’s blade.

He forcefully pulled at the blue. He tugged. He ripped it out and away.

It hurt. Pain, agonizing pain, that felt like molten rock; worse than anything he’d ever suffered, worse than any emotional or physical pain he’d suffered, whether it be Thor sewing up his lips (he does not know if that qualifies as emotional or physical pain).

He should’ve just killed himself without tugging the blue out. No. The thought of his body lying on the ground with the blue forever within him horrified him.

His mouth was open in an agonizing scream. This was going to kill him. It hurt so much that he couldn’t describe it. It could be white-hot fire burning him. It could be him melting.

 

But he had to do something. What was it. The pain was too strong to bear.

 

But he remembered his goal and kept tugging the blue out until he finally ripped it away.

The pain stopped, leaving him out of breath and blissfully blank-minded on the cold ground. It had felt like burning to death. No, it was worse. If this was what burning to death felt like, he’d take freezing to death over that any day.

 

He was glad it was over.

He frowned weakly when he realized something.

Where was he. What was he doing.

Who was he.

He had to do something.

He remembered he had to do something.

 

He tried to get up. His body was still aching. Perhaps he was wounded.

Him moving sent spots in his vision and a pain in his body. He blacked out.

 

\--------------------------

 

**_Child._ **

Quiet. He was sleeping.

**_Child. Wake up._ **

He wasn’t a child. He opened his eyes. There was nothing. There was someone watching him. Radiating comfort and safety. That was a nice feeling and basked himself in the warmth. He closed his eyes.

Whatever was watching him sent a soft sound.

Who were they. Why were they here; what did they want.

**_I am the being you know under the name Yggdrasil._ **

He didn’t know any being named Yggdrasil.

**_Perhaps you don’t remember me._ **

How did this being know that he had no clue of who they were. Was he even supposed to know them in the first place.

**_Child._ **

Was he a child? He doesn’t know.

**_You lack your memories. They have been taken away from you in an extremely painful way._ **

He remembered the pain. But what memories?

**_Don’t worry; they will slowly come back to you. Perhaps this does not make sense at the moment, however it shall someday. Do not fret._ **

He wasn’t fretting.

 

The being continued talking. Murmuring words and sentences that he didn’t understand. He turned his head away, but the being was everywhere. He couldn’t block them out. He just wanted to sleep.

**_You will understand someday. For now, be safe. Be happy._ **

_Just let me sleep._

 

He slept.


End file.
